Saturday, December 10, 2005
ok this is posted on friday late late night.
its very late now, and im tired. And yet i dun feel like sleeping. i duno y.
i have been chatting for 8 hours.. now entering the 9th.. i could have enjoyed a powerful and satisfying 8-hour slp, but i didnt.
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Random thoughtsi juz suddenly feel that i actually have countless fears. And if i were to list them all down, it would be a long, non-exhaustive list of fears. Fears that an 18-yr old would fear. Fears that humans fear. hai i duno. i wonder if some of them are more of a fear or more of an uncertainty. perhaps more of a fear. And just like all other humans, im fearful of failure. But i really wudn't wanna tink about failing.
"What if? what if?" Im so fond of asking myself this question. that shows my fear. my fear of someting that turns out the wrong way of wad i hoped it would be. And that's because when i do someting, i usually put in my best.. so if the results turned otherwise, it would really put me into a state of despair. i noe i should be looking at the brighter side. i always try. but it doesnt always happen. perhaps thats life.
but it would seem ridiculous for me to rattle about life. im only 18! what do i know about life? i've only juz finished college education. i haven even tasted working life. neither ns life. neither university life. neither love life. there are just so many things that await me in life. perhaps many more successes and of cos, more failures too. will i be able to face them all? how will my future turn out? i duno. no one will know. i'll be an average person that will enter the coffin at some odd years and be forgotten since. of cos i wudn't mind being that normal person, leading a normal life and dying normally..
People. People are juz like another me. people walk in and out of my life. some have long been forgotten, cleanly. others would remain, but would be gradually gone and lost, and eventually forgotten too. Everyone's just as unimportant as another. in my limited remaining years of life, how many more ppl will still enter my life, only to be forgotten again? And how many times will I enter another's life, being unimportant, and soon erased from his/her memory?
Behind every smile, there'll also be a time of sorrow, deep within. im a person who dun really like to express my sadness in front of others. mayb its bcos, i strongly feel that i should settle my own probs myself.. its about not influencing how others are feeling, just because of me. but on the other hand, i feel that joy n happiness should be passed on.. perhaps thats the answer to my own prob, cos indulging in joy n happiness can neutralise any other feelings. humans are weird. and so i am.
and yes, most of the time i feel that the world is unfair. very very unfair. some ppl enjoy more than others. tink about 1st world and 3rd world countries. tink about humans and other animals. there's no fairness in the world. and we cant do anyting about it, except just to accept your own life, your own fate and to move on with in.
We are nothing but puppets of fate. people say we can decide our own life. yet secretly somewhere, our lives have actually been arranged and decided by fate. and why is fate so unfair to everyone?
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yawnz n more yawnz.
my, its 4:05am. shudn't i be dreaming now? okok, end of sleepwalking already, and im moving to my bed already....
well, wad haf i been typing all these while? i duno wad are all that i've juz typed. im juz too sleepy to tink.. im gonna seek solace in my dreams.. bye.
人生是黑白的.
2:46 AM <3
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